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LOOKING FOR YOU
Sweet friend, That's all I can claim you as now. I miss you every day and tell complete strangers stories about you. I am always looking for you, even when I know you couldn't possibly be there. I thought I'd gain closure through telling you everything; of course, I didn't really tell you everything, did I? You told me I was brave for telling you how I felt, but I couldn't actually say those words to your face, not in that context. I already felt humiliated by your treatment over the course of our entire friendship, there was no way I was going to confess the gravity of my feelings for you. Self preservation, you know? I know our friendship will always be complicated. I wish I could say that I'll get over you in time, but I think some decisions can't be undone. I think I'll always hope that you will wake up one day, exhausted and alone, and realize that I've been the only person who took care of you and let you be yourself and comforted you and challenged you to be your best. I hope you fall in love with me and then come close to hating me and then make the choice to love me for the rest of your life. That's the progression my love for you has made, and I know that love is real and doesn't die, even when you try to kill it. Please don't make me live a lonely life by leaving me alone, by just being my friend. If you can't ever reach this conclusion, I'll accept that we must remain friends alone. As long as I still hear your voice, see your smile, and feel your arms around me, even just in warmhearted, platonic love, I can survive this world alone. But just so somewhere there's a record of it, I love you. Entirely, with my whole being, and not just in the friendship I'm able to express it in.
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