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SPLIT APARTS
_____, I"ve been trying to write you a letter. This is my third attempt. The first one was bitchy. The second one was whiny. Maybe the third one will come out like I want it to. What I really want to do is tell you why I feel like I have to hold myself back, but so far it has ended up being a sort of self indulgent rant (in the previous letter attempts). I guess I'll just go for brutal honesty. I don't know what guys think about, in terms of what love is and whether or not there is the perfect person out there for them, but I think most girls have the hope or belief that somewhere in the world is the perfect person for them. You know, like in The Butcher's Wife, Demi Moore's character talks about "split-aparts" - two pieces of the same soul that wander through life searching for each other. Ok, so I have this sort of romanticized notion about finding the perfect someone. And as I go through life most people tell me that that‚s not the way it is. The best you can hope for is someone you can get along with and respect for 40 or 50 years. But every once in awhile, I would read a story about some couple who just sort of break that mold and love each other more after 20 years (or 40 or 50) than they did after 2 or 3 years. So the glimmer of hope remains alive that that someone is out there for me. You know exactly where this is going don't you? Yes, _____ you were/are that person for me. So it's hard to let you walk away. There's a part of me now that just doesn't care it I ever have another relationship. I think that maybe I just have to carve out my life well, alone I guess. And there is a big part of me that's really angry at you for leaving. Hopefully that will subside with time, but for now it's a really bitter taste. I wonder how you could just give up on you/me/us. It's been really tough to take. Of course I also wonder if I could have done something differently. Would it have made a difference? I doubt it, but still, it nags at me sometimes. Ultimately, you have to find some way to deal with your depression. I think you know that. Maybe then - well who knows. So there you have it, or some of it anyway. You know what they say - be careful what you wish for. _____ |