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| FROM THE SUFFOCATION PLACE This is my last attempt to be understood by you. I don't know why this is so important to me. Maybe because I think that most of what has gone wrong in our friendship is due to a problem in our communication. I think we've connected on some essential level that cannot be articulated, yet we cannot figure out a way to work out this out in the world and in our lives. I am sad because this failure could be avoided. The ironic thing is that what connects us is possibly the same thing that pulls us apart. We are too much alike in our desire for mystery and retreat. The everyday, mundane nature of a relationship eludes us. Perhaps by avoiding the mundaneness of communication we avoid true understanding of our needs. We think we know each other so well, and we do, I still believe that and always will. Our hearts know each other, our souls do. But we do not know how to give each other what we need. We don't tell each other these things. Now I feel like something has shifted and you have removed yourself from me, more extremely than ever before, and with no explanation. I have no instructions to go by now. I have no idea what you want or don't want from me, what I did wrong, or what you just can't take anymore. The care, compassion and respect you have shown for me in the past has completely vanished. Why? This feels like punishment for some sin I have committed but of which I am completely ignorant. I cannot make amends or remedy a situation when I don't know what is wrong. All I can try to do is communicate with you, and hope it is received by you. I don't even know if you are receiving any of these attempts to reach out. And where am I left? Nowhere, in silence, the same place I started. Your silence engulfs me, it is a suffocation place. You can leave me anytime, just tell me you are leaving. But your contrived silence is still a presence in my life. You make your presence known through your silence and it is hurting me. I am hurt. You are hurting me. Please stop. I wish you could give me rules I could live by for you, so I would never make you unhappy, so I could just be a friend and talk about things that matter to us and how these things intersect and change. To cultivate a way toward parallel paths, that we could support and understand each other in what we do. To help each other see ourselves more clearly and to help each other create more ambitious meaning. This what I want. Is it too much to ask? Talk to me.
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