it. ....

is my desire, my attachment. what i wanted, how badly i wanted it. those years of uncontrollable anger were actually a sign of how badly i wanted it. the anger was proportionate to my desire. and now i see. finally. it was my desire. the engine was within me. she was merely the avatar. .....

what was it? .....

this is now what i wonder. with wonder. what is the size, the shape, of what i wanted from her. how does it feel. would it fix everything. what is the object of this thing, or complex, i want(ed). from her. (it's understandable, wanting whatever it was, her, her approval, her power, her love. it's understandable to want all that from her. she is. after all, an avatar.) .....

her. i wanted her. the anger is the measure of how badly, how much. all those expectations. HUGE expectations. my god. (it couldnt have been any other way. this is the danger in working with real magic.) .....

and now to look at those expectations. and the question of self responsibility. .....

to feel the sadness that it has all come down to. .....

especailly since i lost you. .....

it was proportionate to my desire. the anger. it was proportionate to my projection. the anger. .....

the magic i wanted. the fairy tale from the ancient forest. the unconcious fiber. the moss. sparks. glossy substance. pneumatic bliss. .....

now i look at the personal responsibility. what i expected of her. what i must do for myself. .....

this is the beginning of self determination. this is the beginning of hearing my own wisdom. .....

i still love her. she still is the avatar. .....

but now i have my mind back. .....

the anger is gone.

[submitted 06/10/03]