You make me crazy.

All i think about all day is you.

How I would ask you what you would like for breakfast - omlet or crapes? Oh, I forgot, you don't usually eat breakfast. And how you would play with my kid - oh, you said you are not into kids anymore after raising four of your own. How we would read the morning paper together in bed. Do you read morning paper in bed?

I am going crazy. Last night all I wanted is to cut your prick off, you selfish mother fucker. A day before that I knew that no matter what I will just quietly love you without you having to love me at all.

I want to touch you but I should not show that I am that interested, or I can scare you away. That makes me shake when I am in a vicinity of a kilometre anywhere near you.

Do you want to go out with me, the nutcase?

I signed up with match.com to get distracted and I get the ugliest people on the planet sending me emails. I have three nice guys chatting with me on the messenger once in a while. What am I going to tell them when they ask me out? Sorry, you were there to get my mind off someone else?

Your best friend asked me out. Oh, God. Get fucking jealous!

Yesterday I cried because I could not get you. Cry of not being able to. That's the first in my life - usually I cry when I hurt.

I hope you never are going to find this file. Or may be a few months down the road I will show it to you and you will shake your head in amazement.

I hope this feeling never goes away - I never felt so alive in my life.

I hope some incredible guy will come along and recsues me from this obsession nightmare.

I talked to my heart yesterday - I talk to my body parts often, it's a technique I studied while being a psychology major. Usually whatever creates a conflict inside me can come up to some kind of an agreement. My heart refused to listen. Plainly and simpy refused.

Most of it is ok, but one little piece on the bottom says "no. This guy will always stay here. Always. Even when you remarry, have another kid, go retire back to Russia - there always be a soft spot for him reserved".

This is so sad. What should I do with this letter? Print and burn? Save it?

Oh, God, if I save it, someone will find it eventually and read it.

May be I'll post it on the Internet.

You make me crazy.

[submitted 11/23/03]