LOVE AND EMPATHY AND SADNESS

What is it about sharing a deep dark painful ugly secret about oneself that feels so fucking sexy?

When I told you all those horrible painful things about me and you listened, and you cared, and I saw that you actually felt for me, you actually gave a shit...I wanted to kiss you , and then some...

This is so crazy, but vulnerability and compassion and intelligence are the greatest aphrodisiacs. Ever.

What would you have done if we could have something? Would you hug me? Kiss me? Make love with me?

Sometimes people who feel ugly and unworthy of love need exactly this: to get drunk, feel vulnerable and crazily attracted to someone at once, and tell them a bunch of painful shit and see the empathy and sorrow in the other person's face and share a mutual desperate vulnerability and fuck.

Sometimes, this can feel beautiful and crazy and stupid and dumb and intense and destructive all at once. Sometimes people like you and me, who have been holding on so fucking tight with white knuckles ...just need to let go and fall.

My love, my love, my painful love, this of course, like everything else worthwhile and beautiful in my life will come to nothing. We'll lose touch. You'll keep drinking. You'll meet someone else. Someone available and single. I'll get out of this town. But I'll always treasure that look of great love and empathy and sadness in your face. I'll always remember that feeling, that thrill, that someone in this fucking useless disgusting world gave a fuck about me in one shimmering instant in time.

For one moment, the earth stood still and my pain and misery actually mattred to another human being. For a few seconds, I was not a fucking pariah, rejected and fucked over and forgotten. I was someone who counted, someone significant, someone worthy of love and dignity. You gave me that.

My love. My darling. I sit here imagining you kissing me.