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LOST,
CONFUSED, GUILTY Everyday we talk and I feel great. We hang up and I feel lost, confused, guilty. These feelings are eating me alive. I want to wait for you and have hope that there will be a chance for us to be together. But for some reason, maybe my intuition, I don't see that its likely going to happen. I don't think you are capable of leaving your current situation and honestly I don't think I can hold on to "what if". I know I said I would, but I don't feel good about myself. I don't feel good about having an affair, you cheating, and me having to be here waiting for an answer. I'm living a complete lie over here. Everyone thinks that we're going to end up together....they all say they "see it". They tell me "You seem so happy, I bet he's the one". What can I say! I want to scream to them and cry and say, no, he's not, he cant be, he's married. That there tells me our chances of being together are very slim. You talk about her, your vacations, what your going to be doing in the year. How next year you wont have a chance to see me. I don't see myself in your future in any of it and honestly it saddens me. It also makes me wonder why I should put any effort into this, if at the end I'm going to get nothing out of it. Maybe some good times with you, which I'd love, but "some" good times with somebody isn't enough for me. I'd rather be alone, and continue my life and see what happens. I said I would wait, knowing that things cant happen over night. But honestly, I don't want to wait. I don't want to get into this further than we all ready are, and get hurt. I'll be devastated. I'm afraid of getting hurt. Its something I'm not willing to do. I cant. I cant be in a relationship that is based on these factors, lying, cheating, distance, and hoping. I love you with all my heart, and if truly care for me as much as you say you do, you'll respect my decision to stop this now. I'm taking a chance by letting you go now, but its what I feel is the right thing to do for myself. We talk about being selfish all the time. In this case, I'm going to have to be.
[submitted
02/13/04] |