JEWELRY STORE


Dear ______,

Our son will be 5 years old this year. You didn't even know he was mine. I was a measly stock boy, part time wage, busting my hump - when i walked into that jewelry store. I didn't think twice, since i knew in my heart, we would be together forever, and that you were to be my wife forever and always.

I was so blinded by my deep, engulfing, pure love for you. I didn't see that the patterns spelled out something important. All i felt was the most intense, closest, intoxicating emotional connection i had ever had with anyone, envisioning a lifetime ahead of me with you, with family, with children, with happiness. I planned on it.

I didn't see how you disappeared. I didn't see who you spent your time with. I didn't see that you were with him for 3 out of our 4 years together.

Denial is one thing. But love entails placing your heart in someone's else care: vulnerability and trust. And i never expected what you did. You cheated on me. You lied to me. You violated me. You abused me. You degraded me. You risked my life. You devalued me. And then, when i thought resolution had occurred, you did it again. Your son was now my son. Your ex was now your husband. And my son you wouldnt let me see.

Those were the worst of times. And i thank God Himself for bringing me through those experiences years ago and for allowing me to have the close relationship with my little boy as i do. I pray for you and your husband, too.

But to this day, i struggle with the pain. Why? How? To this day, i cannot walk on that campus without the emotions invading me. To this day, i cannot hear your name without the invasion of pain. I cannot trust, and i cannot believe. I cannot connect. I hate you for having this lasting hold over me and i struggle to find a way to break it. My life is coming together, as i graduate from Grad School, with a wonderful job and career ahead of me, with my beautiful son in my life, and a good family. But i have been single for 5 years and i see no end in sight.

How can i teach my son about love and about loving women, when there are times in my heart that i hate every woman i look at? How can i teach my boy about hope and trust when i have no hope for relationships or trust in any woman? How can i find happiness when i continue to carry this anger and pain inside? I fucking hate you for what you did to me but i still cannot forget how much i so deeply and truly loved you. And the pain in having been fooled and humiliated as you did. I need to hear you say you're sorry. I need to hear you tell me why you did it. I need to hear you say that i meant something to you. I need to hear you say that i was simply a cog in the machination of your pathology and you realize it now. I need you to tell me that you're sorry for what you did to me. That i didnt deserve it.

I walked out of that jewelry store with butterflies in my stomach. I was going to fulfill that soap opera dream of bending down on one knee under the full moon in front of calm waters on a cool summer evening. Instead, i heard the voice of someone else who was being mislead. Instead, all the pieces came together in an instant that slaughtered a piece of my soul. And i still feel it today.

I hope you two are miserable. Marriage can never be based or founded on lies, deception, and neurosis. I feel sorry for your stepson and your younger child. All i know is that in spite of what i feel, i will continue to shower my son with love, guidance, and discipline. That even though he doesnt live with me, that he knows his dad and loves his dad, and can depend on his dad. I know that he will follow the model i live for him. That he will soak up the positivity i provide for him and reject the destructiveness you and your husband stand for. I know this. And i will see my little boy grow into a fine young man. In spite of you and your emotional limitations.

The limitations that i have will also affect him, but i know i can temper that. At least for him. As for the rest of the feminine world, I don't know how many hearts i have broken, how many women out there hate me, or feel pity for me, or continue to hold out for me. There are many. I struggle with this with this shit and you dont even know, thinking i have moved on with my life when in reality i am caught between yearning for intimacy and feeling incapable of sustaining it.

Time will tell if i ever enter a jewelry store again.