WISH IT WAS YOU NEXT TO ME IN THE MARRIOTT


What was I thinking when I laid in wait for you to return to the hotel, so we could have at last our clandestine reunion talk while others slept off the festivities? Why did I let you touch me that first time, sending electricity through my body and making me replay that touch over and over in my head? Why did I take my eyes off of my husband for even a second that first night when we first saw each other again after 7 years? Why did I push for us to stay in touch? Why did I write that first email? Why did I tell you that I love you? Why have we written each other over 100 emails in the last two weeks? Why do I feel so desperately sad and regretful that we will never live our lives together as we should? Why didn’t I call you before my wedding like I laid awake those two nights contemplating? Why didn’t you reach out to me? I have always been but one step away from you. Why now are you willing to make that step, and even then only after I forced your hand? Why didn’t I get your message before my wedding that you were sorry to have missed my first, but that you wouldn’t be late to my second? Why am I now heart sick with desire to be with you and trying to find a way to have just one night with you? I could make up for years with one night. The thought of it even now makes me hang my head and wish that I would somehow die rather than live the rest of this mediocre happy life without you in it. Why do I still love you against all reason, all explanation, and without a context? Why do I still dream about you? Why have I for years? Why do I know that this reconnection is but a step on your path to find your wife, and that she isn’t me? I know that this will bring closure for you and destruction for me, not to mention the heavy burden of rejection and insecurity on my husband. Why can’t I stop now? Why is the time between each email from you an eternity? Why have these two weeks felt like a year in my life? What did I do? Why can’t it be undone? It doesn’t matter now because there is no turning back. I am on this one-track train straight to destruction, and I am not entirely sure that this hasn’t been your plan all along.



the love letter collection
submitted 4:48 PM EST
Sunday, May 2, 2010