It is hard to believe a person can live like this, missing you all the time. At least it's not the only thing I think about. When in school I think about class, but sometimes you drift into my mind, when I see two people loving each other, or if I hear something funny. And there is work, most of the time I am too busy to think of you, but when it is slow there you are. You are always there when I have nothing to do. I think of how I would rather be doing nothing with you around rather than alone. And always as I go to bed. I snuggle up to the pillow pretending it is your chest as I rest my head upon it.

It has been making me mad lately. More mad than I want to get. I hear all the stories of love, I watch as my friends run off and get married, I know you think we are too young, but that doesn't stop anyone else. Sometimes when I am alone, thinking of you, missing you, I think about how you are probably having a great time. How you are surrounded by the people you care about, doing the things you want to be doing, and not thinking of or missing me. And it hurts. When I have those thoughts I try to tell myself that we are just in different places, you want to have fun, be free and young, and if we were always together that couldn't be.

But recently like I said I have been mad. I don't want to make excuses for you. I don't want to have to make myself feel better, I don't want this constant reminder that we are apart and that you don't mind it. I think it is moot for me to write this you already know how I feel. It scares me sometimes. The thought of it always being like this, it chills me.

In my heart I know someday you will come to want the same things from our relationship as I do, you will someday value me and I value you. But my head sometimes doubts it. My head suggests the idea that you will never change. You will always want to be free; you will always see me as a person in your life that you care about, but no more than that. Or maybe you will someday see that another person is worth making sacrifices for, another person makes your life complete, but that person won't be me.

I guess that is my biggest fear, that after all I have given you, you will choose someone else. There is no more to write about. The anguish doesn't lessen with each word I write, it only grows stronger with every minute that passes. Missing you makes my life hard. And knowing that I will miss you for many more days only makes it unbearable.

[submitted 11/10/03]