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I FEEL BLAND I've learned from my mistakes, but I'm not over you. I can't move onto another guy and start a healthy relationship with the experience I've gained because I want you. You say we aren't meant to be a couple; that we're only happy when we're being sexual. But just being in your presence makes me happy. I think about you a lot. Sometimes I look at you, when you're playing guitar or laughing at your own joke, and think, "Why do I like you so much? You're not that great." But then you wipe my tears when I cry, or give me that sweet kiss on my forehead, and I once again feel so incredibly attached to you. I'm too young to be in love. And we honestly don't have that much in common. I try to convince myself I‚m not in love with you. I refuse to admit it to anyone. My best friends don‚t even know I‚m talking and hanging out with you again. I feel so vulnerable around you. I doubt myself when I‚m near you, I don‚t want you to think I‚m lame or annoying. You, however, never mispronounce a word, never give a nervous laugh, feel self-conscious or feel embarrassed∑you are perfect. Maybe this is obsession. I think you‚re aware that I am at your mercy. Every time I kiss you, I die a little knowing I will never have you, but at the same I‚ve never felt so alive with your lips on mine. They‚re so soft, so deliciously plump. You take advantage of me, for sure. You tell me to jump, I ask how high. And you don't even say please. We lost our virginities together. They say you never forget your first, but I imagine you could easily forget me. I feel bland in comparison to you. This isn‚t how love should feel. Love should make you happy, confident - that‚s what all the magazines and online articles tell me. I regret being so in love with you, but at this point it‚s out of my hands. When you leave me, it‚ll be the second time you‚ve broken my heart. And it‚s not even fully mended from the first crack. |