GOD WAS THERE FOR ME THIS TIME IN A WAY THAT YOU NEVER WERE


After the kids left to be with their dad I went out for cigaretts and a soda. I thought about making myself eat something but I just can't stomach it right now. Sooner or later hunger will win I suppose. The funny thing is I tried to open the door when I got home but it was locked and it made me think that I will never be able to just walk through the unlocked door and see you sitting there making dinner or watching tv. It used to bother me so much that while I worked all day you were sitting at home playing video games or goofing off on the internet. I guess you won't be able to do that anymore Huh?

I haven't really cried yet, came close to it a few times including when you walked out. It's strange how once you were gone the panic got more manageable. I prayed for the first time in over a year and you know what? I really think god was there for me this time in a way that you never were. I mean your last words to me were about how crazy I was and how you couldn‚t put up with it anymore. How you thought it was my therapists fault for not helping me get better and how it was my fault for going whack job on you but I think somewhere inside yourself you know it was just you being you.

I mean christ, I was the one who told you to leave. I should be happy and relieved that you're gone but I still have this knife twisting in my stomach and it's taking every ounce of self control I have not to pick up the phone and beg you to come back. I can't let myself do that. A girl has to have some pride, and I know in the deepest part of myself that if I do I would just be begging you to come back and hurt me again. It would be saying it's ok in the worst way.

Still, you do have a way with me and all that cold hearted self righteous indignation cut me to the core for awhile. To think I actually thanked you for spending an hour with me so that we could "give each other peace." After you left I called up some people who really love me and I didn't have to beg them at all to care.

I've come to realize, that I'm not hurting because I miss you, but because I'm finally beginning to understand that you never really loved me in the first place.



the love letter collection
submitted 11:37 PM EST
wednesday, January 23, 2008