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EVERYTHING
BUT PENETRATION Jan 7 and the New Year is currently as grim as the old one. Well at least January 1 was good, maybe even the 2nd. And then the awful mistake of calling him to say she was back in town. With Taurus rising and Gemini as her moon, Miss C seemed forever doomed to punish herself with Mr S. Armed with a fresh tattoo and a new outlook, she drove back into her hometown, turned down her street. She was glad to have left town for those few days, to gather herself and recognize how bad things could have gotten. But she had taken control, removed herself from the situation. She thought he had finally seen how much see was hurting; how much he impacted her, to make her need to leave town like that. So now, with her strength back and her focus strong, she entered her house. Messy from the friend who had stayed there while she was gone, the apartment needed picking up and straightening. So she began doing so, the way she had always done. She unpacked the car, put things away, turned on the TV and lay down on the couch to take a nap. She ignored the call from an old friend who was in town, even went so far as to lie to her and say she wasn't feeling well, she would have to wait till next time to see her. So sorry, all of this because Mr S said he would talk to her in a little bit. That meant a night out. What had changed? Nothing. Her breakdown obviously didn't stick with either of them. He called no more that 20 minutes after her heartfelt lie to her childhood friend, and they decided to visit the Bbar, a favorite of late. She wore a black long-sleeved shirt, as to not deal with his comments about the new permanent addition to the skin on her arm, and the best fitting pair of jeans she owned. They sat at the bar, and it began. He began talking about his wife, or pending ex-wife depending on what one wanted to believe. But soon the wine worked its magic and he hinted at how much she was growing up, "Look at you" he would say. She was all growed up. A running joke between friends. Miss Innocent breaking out of her shell. After 25 years, she had stopped attending church, dropping the F bomb as if it had magic powers, smoking to ease the stress, and fooling around with this married friend with whom she had just admitted she was in love. So, her trip and revelation had been in vain, for she found herself drunk again and in his bed. No sex, mind you, everything but penetration, finger fucking. She couldn't even make herself do that let alone stay away from him. So, maybe its fine she thought - days later another breakdown, closer to sex than ever before. Even after his comments about fucking other women, fucking them too, and his comment to her about his lack of feelings for her, Miss C still wanted to believe it would work out. She had stuck around long enough in her past relationships to make them love her hadn't she? Why not try with him too? Days later, after his stern warning that the sexual interactions had to stop, Miss C made a phone call to say she couldn't hang out with him anymore, couldn't talk to or see him anymore, no more friendship even. He gave her what she wanted for once, if it was what she wanted. Have a nice life then? he said. She wasn't sure. Only sure that she had to protect herself, stop feeling so horrible. As if she was breaking up a relationship but only she would suffer. Love isn't love until its shared, the statue in her basement said. So, on Wednesday she stopped living, the depression buried her, and her house became her crypt. Friday was her birthday. Plans to have dinner were unmentioned and she tried not to hold her breath for a phone call from him, if nothing else to see if she was okay. But Mr S isn't worried. He would come out of this unscathed - he said it himself. So, today she finally got out of bed, just in time to hear her mother come in the back door - the nerve! With cigarettes, wine and dishes strewn about the living room, Miss C didn't come down to greet her mother. How could she? After numerous unanswered phone calls that morning, she thought that her mother had gotten the hint that she didn't want any visitors. But, she didn't feel like seeing the disappointment at Miss C's new arm decoration, or the lack of grooming, or dealing with the conversation of anti-depression pills. Those potential friends - trading one addiction/ dependency for another? No thank you - she would stick with wine and nicotine for now. She hadn't stepped into a gym in almost 11 months - her heart was breaking and she could no longer tell the cause - the unhealthy substance habits or the destructive emotional patterns. Her tattoo still hadn't healed, it was purple instead of yellow; peeling instead of smooth. Oh well she thought, nothing was what she had planned. Today she felt very thin, but her bones felt heavy and their joints looked too large under her skin. Her face still looked the same -chubby and pale but not familiar. Her eyes were dark and not at all bright, but soon she hoped they would recognize her again. Tomorrow, on her birthday, she will take her refund check and cash it then drop out of school, again. She only hoped that the loan officers wouldn't show up at her door, at least for a few months. She only had about 300 dollars to her name and she really needed the loan money to pay bills, not to mention the credit card charges for all of those dinners and drinks with her doom. He just took and took from her. But who's to blame? She keep giving and giving. After she pointed it out, he did make a change. He would buy drinks sometimes now (well before because now there would be no more evenings out) but she was still paying for all those nights financially and emotionally. What a year it would be. So now, without school, without friends, without money she would have to take that job. Sometimes she liked to refer to him as Mr S(TD) because there was a scare a month or so back - she thought that would be the end of their sexual interactions. But as soon as the lab said she was "clean" then he would touch her again. That asshole wasn't worried about anyone but himself. Never mind this virgin was now starring climydia and gonorrhea in the face, all he could think about was "How did they get it? From his wife's new friend? Who? What else did he have? And she thought What about Miss C? She would be fine. And he could walk away unscathed. So today she is out of bed. When she comes down the stairs, (thank God her mom had left) the book that greets her good afternoon is The Bust Guide to the New Girl Order. It lies on the floor, saying hi from one cunt to another. This reading had given her new ambition to get what she wanted, dick form Mr S. But it of course blew up in her face. How can a virgin be sexually liberated by such a son of a bitch as he? And why hadn't ___ called to see if she was allright? Miss C always expected too much of others. But she had called him before leaving town, after the first breakdown, and he had sounded concerned, they both had. And now, it seemed it never happened. Today it seemed everyone but Mr S had called. Miss C"s grandmother and cousin had called to wish her happy birthday, on the wrong day, a day too early. Her mother keeps calling, and now her sister. 7 times from her sister. Why does she think she wants to talk to her? Never. Everyone calls except for him. She told him not to call, so he won't. Unscathed.
[submitted
02/27/04] |