DEAR FUTURE BOYFRIEND


Dear Future Boyfriend,

Hello. I've been waiting. Your previous version screwed me over to the point where I'd be taking a shower months later and one of his whispered words would pop into my head and I'd hit the slimy tiled shower wall without even thinking about the damage it could do to my hand.

Anyway, I think it would be nice if you looked like Gael Garcia Bernal, but really any resemblance to a passably attractive foreign man would be a plus. Your hobbies should not include anything remotely associated with old people, because I've been told that I am an 80 year old woman trapped in an 18 year old's body, and I don't need an elderly-like companion to make me feel worse about that fact. To put it more clearly, leave the gardening and hypochondria to yours truly.

Hmm, what else? I'd like it if you liked to talk to me in various accents to complement my own (I'm pretty good at Southern, British -- the aristocratic kind, not the kind where you pronounce "th" as "f" --, and Minnesotan)...maybe you could do a good Australian or Scottish (the two that really escape me)? An interest in spontaneous travel and spontaneous things in general would also be very much appreciated. And maybe just the ability -- and want -- to lie next to me in a warm, clean, white bed and touch my arm.

See you soon.

Much love,

Me



the love letter collection