DEAD TO FEELING

It feels as though you are the reason why I am here...the reason why air continues to flow through my lungs and blood through my veins...it seems as though the reason I exist at all is in the moments when I am holding your hand. It is in the sound of your laugh and your bleary smile when you wake up. It is in the times when I can take your breath into me and hold it there. The reason why these weary bones still move at all and this heart continues to beat...the reason why my eyes still open after I have been asleep...the reason is in the curve of your back and the gentle look in your eyes when you touch my face. It is in the warmth of you...the reason I exist at all is because you are existing with me.

I have always been cold, dead to feeling. Wearing a smile that no one could see past. Yet somehow your simple presence has taken that from me. I am bare and unprotected from the harsh pain and rampant beauty of emotion. A caress from you awakens cells in my body that had never been touched before. Blood rushes to the surface of my skin to be near your fingertips. My hear beats stronger when you are close. My mind can focus again, if only on every point of contact my body has with yours. Your arms are the safest place I can imagine. When you pull me into you I forget my own body and know only the heat made by the two of us. Together.

You left me not even hours ago and I have already been through a million words that never made it to my lips. My tongue is a graveyard for words. Everytime it gets worse. You are always leaving me. I feel as though my small hands can never hold you. You will always be just out of reach. How can these two emotions exist within one moment? Such a love that encompasses all things. That sees your imperfection and holds them dear. It is too much for me. To grand. I am filled with doubts. I have never had something that fills me so completely. That belongs to me and only me. I am afraid now. I have so much to lose.

Even though we are together, I still cannot explain the depth of these feelings. I cannot express them to you. All I want to say is everything. I want to tell you that I didn't wear my scarf so that you would put your arms around my shoulders. I want to tell you that I dream often of having your children. I want to tell you that I am happy with you and all that you are is enough for me. Is all that I want. I want to tell you that I don't want you to leave to your home at the end of the night. That I want you to be in my bed when I wake up. That I always want the first thing I see when I wake is you... But, all I can say when you leave me is "See you tomorrow."
What a sad and beautiful existence, loving you.