dear you

I suggest that either you print this off or read it when you have some time to spare and extra grammar to fill in the oh so obvious lack of. I am sitting on my couch, listening to Sade with aromertherapy oil candles burning amazing scents of exotic jasmine and neroli (??) fragrances into the room and wistfully wishing that you were anywhere within driving distance so I could get up pull on jeans (am in a vest and panties but then we have already decided that jeans are not the most -come hither and do me quick-easy things in the way of clothes so perhaps instead that long sarong thing that you like cause it just wraps and everything is accesible whether it is taken off or not) and drive all night to get to you or something equally common and so over used that it ceases in all effect to be romantic in the least bit but everyone knows exactly what it means so usage is blindly and ignorantly encouraged by every day use just such as this.

By the way no, red wine is not being consumed in copious amounts at this moment - in fact I am stone cold sober so my only excuse is that.....well actually I don't have the benefit of one - this is just me. _____ and I have been talking alot recently about long distance relationships and how the worst thing about them (well one of the worst...) is not being able to share every day great stuff with your partner - like for instance the awesome storms that we have recently been having that just encourage "sick" days in bed with chocolate, popcorn and great movies (not to mention other good stormy day stuff..), or the fantastic purple red orange combination sunsets that prevail in the early mornings at this time of the year or just long drives to no particular destination (well as long a drive as one can have on an island of this size) or sharing no noise but the frogs croaking cause of the rains that seem not to stop and are causing our tank to overflow. And what all this leads to is that long distance relationships are difficult and annoying and achingly pervasive in their ability to create frustrating seemingly endless fires of desire and uncomfortable passion.....romantic yes fun no.

Having said all of this it is a truth that I freely acknowledge that none of this stuff means anything if the object of one's desire though not phyically available and though geographically challenged is still the object of one's desire. You see you asked for some example of my writing and so here is your wish fulfilled, perhaps not as you envisoned but nonetheless this is it though unedited and raw and filled with candour for the simple reason that letters of love or at least my somewhat clumsy and unorthodox excuses for them should be from the gut and should reek of nothing if not honesty and gritty realism.

So you see now why I am so reluctant to show anyone let alone you about whom I actually care, any piece of anything that I write. And actually this is right (in the political sense not the directional sense) of most anything I normally write. Don't worry - I realise that commercially no-one will be able to make sense of anything thus ensuring my place in the never see the light of day collection of writings but still nevertheless apparently there are some deranged species out there who get it but I digress...where was I...

oh yes putting together a love letter....haha.....really.....So here is the thing - yes there is a thing - you remember how I did that course I told you about? Of course you do - well anyways one of the things that I resolved to myself was that I would act with authenticity and conduct all my relationships in the same vein. So the thing is that you are there and I'm here and I am not really sure what that means. I know that we talked about the possibility of your not being here and where that would leave us but did we resolve that? I can't remember so I am going to do what I can - which is to tell you where I am coming from and hopefully this will inspire you in some form or other to respond with whatever your response is - I have absolutely no attachment to that save that I need you to be honest and forthcoming and communicative because I need to do this with truth. Not this particularly I mean this generally with regard to anything in my life that has meaning to me.

So where to start - well a good place is probably to tell you that I really like you - I mean really. And it gets consistently worse...or better I suppose depending on one's perspective. And this means that I'm not, even though we don't live in the same country (!!) open to other people. I don't want to be cause I like you (I think I said that already...yeah third time's a charm...) And that for me is that. But what about you? I can't help but wonder about the obvious fact that you are where you are and while the choice here is limited to much degree your choices are not. So what does that mean? As far as I am concerned we're in a monogamous (oh gawd that is such a yucky unsexy word......someone needs to come up with an alternative...oh wait let it be me....ummm....something appropriate and significant but also attractive enough to be seductive..) no scratch that- a one on one interaction (better??....well slightly I think...) and that means for me right now there's just you. Simple.

But what about for you? I need you to understand something about me here - I am not interested in hearing you make any loud ridiculous over the top unrealistic declarations - that is NOT where I am coming from or who I am. I don't have expectations of you and where you are coming from other than a request that you come simply from a place of honesty. I know that you and I cannot see each other much (!), you are in Florida which is a haven (well compared to here anyways) of choice in terms of people (read: women!!) and you are gorgeous (yeah..yeah...boring boring..blah,blah..) and so on and so on...and this means that we have all this stuff’ between us besides the blue ocean of water. What I need from you is not a promise of anything but rather a clarification where we stand from your point of view. I need to make it clear again that I am not attached to the outcome of what you decide/ tell me (yes I think you are smart, intriguing, sarcastic in the best way possible, funny as hell, real easy on the eyes, sweet,sweet, sweet, and simply yuumy between the sheets - and most other places...) but still I know that you have your journey and I mine and if you need to end ours that is okay - painful yes end of the world no.

I hope of course that you feel about me the way I feel about you - that I am not ready to let this thing go because distance aside it's awesome and worth it - but I will be fine if you don't. I would though like to know. I know that you are planning to come here and I want that right now more than most anything else - I want to see you again so so bad you just have no idea...or maybe (hopefully) you do - so bad in fact that I was gonna jump on a plane two week-ends ago and come see you - but I need to know where we stand right now before I/ you do that. Because I know how I feel about you now and I know how I feel about you after each time I spend more time with you and I need to know that we are both at the same place before I can carry on with this. I don't mean to freak you out here or anything but I rather hope you respect that I am being honest with you and I absolutely would appreciate and respect you for the same.

Now I know that you are not an e-mailer but maybe in this case you can make an exception because this is alot of stuff to talk about on the phone especially long distance and I am not great on the phone to begin with...but of course you can respond as you want to - I don't to dictate that to you....I hope you get where I'm coming from here cause I have a tendency to be all over the place when I write....yeah really....haha.....

Oh on closing - whatever your response is I do want you to know that I love that we met I love that we got to know each other and I love the times we shared....thank you for that - you really are quite delicious. love me

[submitted 11/03/03]