_.
why do i think i should miss you when youre still here? i feel like i am suffocating slowly. how melodramatic and yet fitting in that 12-year-old-girl way. you'd think it was estrogen or some other kind of innate female urge to covet something just because one can. it is fairly pathological. i mean i am sure you know what i am talking about.
i didnt even want this. this: youre motherfucking perfect and i didnt want it. something said no. the shoes, the music, something. but what was screaming at me- this thing, this fucking humble thing with this mop of brown hair and this skinny stance and this- jesus christ- this niceness that paralyzed me. so. nice. so nice in this way that i just could never be if i dug into the depths of me.
when you kissed me on the floor that night something tells me you felt like you needed to. you take things polietly and perfectly. no missteps, no fumbles, just a genuineness and something just so unsure but sure. this all isnt the point. point being. i didnt want it. i have it. i dont deserve it. i simply dont. im terrible. im rude and hormonal. i told you it could be worse. i could be one of those girls, right? i told you you were lucky of course i was kidding, im lucky. but i never told you how i thought i was doing you a favor to break your 2 year period of lovelessness. to teach you something about your newly awarded sex life. to provide you with respite from long painful work and grueling effort. i feel i cured you when you were sick.
these things i take from this, these things i didnt do. i have no right to say this. but i fell so hard and i already regret it. how little things like the way you touch my bare arm makes me want to fall to the floor. how the pillow you sleep on when you stay over *always* smells like that now and, yes, so that i miss you even when youre still here.
its because its about expiration. cream going so sour. you becoming dead to me. and now i cry where i never cried before- like some gaps of where i wasnt a whole person have become filled- and it sounds horrible- almost as if chemically i was only one half a person.
_.
[submitted 05/29/03]