THEN AT LEAST MY MOUTH ISN'T MISSING OUT ON ANY ACTION


My letter to you begins with the pathetic fact that I had to call _____ and ask permission to be an impersonation of her whiniest friend so I didn't feel sad and pathetic that after I had just finished watching Grey's Anatomy and gotten all hot for McDreamy, I now had no one to make out with. Seriously, I just want a kiss. And since I cannot have my wish, I'm going to gorge myself on Soy Dream ice cream, yet another reminder of you. Then at least my mouth isn't missing out on any action.

Do you ever have a moment when you realize precisely how strong a certain feeling is? I was sitting in the break room today alone and CNN was on TV. They were showing a clip from the Middle East where fighting broke out today. A reporter was filming a little boy about three years old running beside a short concrete wall with bullets firing constantly in the background. He was smiling the entire time as he was running to his grandfather and jumped into his lap. Suddenly a bomb goes off nearby, and the camera shakes, and a woman in the background breaks down. But the reaction of the little boy is what hit me the hardest because it is something that Easton would do if he were there. his jaw dropped, he couldn't lift his knees quickly enough, and he started screaming with a look of sheer terror. If I hadn't turned away from the TV in that exact moment, I would have lost it. I'm terrified for you. I can't watch anything on TV about the military or Iraq or bloodshed because I'm terrified.

I'm worried today because of the email you sent me last night. I'm not sure if you were short with me in your writings or not. I don't know if I could mentally handle it if you were. I've had the worst month and it has quantified enormously without you here. But at the same time, I'm glad you aren't here. I'm not sure if it is too soon for you to see me so weak. Your job demands that whomever you date must be strong. I usually am. But I'm worried about what you haven't yet revealed to me. Or that I will royally fuck this up. I'm worried because I have so much to lose. You could shatter my heart.

Most nights when I get home from work and tuck in my son, I sit in silence. My brain has become so active since you left that I no longer have the mental capacity to filter out extra sounds and stay sane. So I turn everything off. I don't think the way I'm coping is unhealthy, but I'm terrified that I might miss out on this great love I believe we have the potential for very shortly because I keep watching the TV showing pictures of coffins coming home draped in flags. Please don't leave me.



the love letter collection
submitted 11:59 PM EST
thursday, may 8, 2008