Heyas _________,

I know we had a confrontational evening just before you left to see him in Germany, and now it's 3 weeks later, a week since you've been back, and you are still so bitter that you ignore all my email, and refuse to answer your phone when you see my number.

When you fell in love with him, I was hurt and numb, knowing that you had indeed moved on and left me alone, it was hard and I came to adjust. When you were alone for those months without him, you confessed you still loved me as well, and as hard as I tried, I didn't want to believe it, and feel the hurt again. Time after time you told me, and then on that all encompassing weekend, when we laid down together in the emptiness of the barren silent white walled basement, the plain white futon, without any distractions but each others gaze, scent, sound, touch, taste of each other, wrapped in unbridled and unmatched passion we both never knew. That was the first of many blows to my steadfast resolve, my heart had begun to bleed for you again, as we shared more and more, I felt so close again.

But as the time for you to leave to see him drew closer and closer, each day I felt further and further from you as you closed up your heart and your soul to me, as if to protect yourself from being hurt by me, leaving me alone and isolated. I tried so hard to be there for you and support your decision all this time, but down deep, I never wanted you to leave to see him, I wanted you to stay with me. All of those emotions came to a boiling point that night in me, a mix of passion, anger, jealousy, fear; the primal feelings of loss.

I felt it before you even came and picked me up that night, I shouldn't have gone out with you, I felt it inside, my gut told me that I would not have the strength inside of me to hold back that flood of emotion. When I told you as we drove to the fireworks, that I almost felt like I wanted to cancel out on you, and you said if I did, you would have been mad. In retrospect, I would have rather gambled on that version of your anger, than to have had the night we did, embittering you with overwhelming contempt even to speak to me.

Why do you fail to find the essence of compassion to forgive and forget after the year and a half of knowing, trusting, and loving each other? When I told you that night, after our fallout, "Always isn't easy." it has never meant so much, or been so hard to say before to communicate how I felt, and to let you know that I will always love you, no matter how terrible things ever become between us, open your eyes. There is nothing more I can do or say now that I have not already told you over and over, and if you are that unwilling to mend what is broken, prefering to throw it away, then that will have to be a choice we will both have to live with and suffer their consequences.

I will always love you,

_______

[submitted 09/11/03]