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SPACE IN BETWEEN I know I said you would not hear from me but I can't just let this go. I feel like somehow you don't believe me when I tell you I love you more than anything in the whole world or that I need you dearly. I do. You have become such a part of me, I can't imagine my life or my self without you. And I know you love me too. What we have is so great and so real. We know each other so well. And you understand me better than anybody ever has. When I told you "I wish I could spit venom" and you got it I knew at that moment that I had met my match. I felt like we were destined to be together. You and I (and what we have) are so incredibly unique- we can do anything together, go anyplace, be anything. You inspire me and give me strength. I love that about you. I love your feistiness, the way you challenge me; I love your strength- which is why when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, when you open up to me, it is so precious. When you gave yourself to me it was the most precious gift and it kills me to think that somehow I didn't let you know how dear it was to me or that I knew you had given me something so rare and special. But I did know and I tried to show you.... every morning I would kiss your temple and neck and murmur "precious, precious....." I'm sorry if I'm being pathetic. The last thing I want to do is lower myself in your eyes- your respect and love are so very important to me. But I have to ask you one more time... please, please don't do this, don't throw everything we have away. I love you so fucking much. Please come back to me.
REPLY- 4 DAYS LATER.... Dear ----, i read your email shortly after you sent it and i have been taking some time replying because i didnt know what to say. part of me wanted to answer in a funny way like "This email is not pathetic, taking my oatmeal is pathetic." but i know how serious you are and i want to be serious back. part of me thinks i should not be sending a reply at all that it is better i cut everything off even if you are not willing too even though that is not what i truly want. ---- I cant go back on this. in my selfish fantasy, you say,"Alright ---, i love you and want to be in your life any way i can if this is what you want i respect that, i am always going to love you i will do my best to be a friend to you." i dont know, you have heard this all before. i cant see that it could mean anything different to you now. your heart is broken and that breaks my heart. i hate thinking of you out there alone or with stupid people around you. i dont want you to be out of my life but we have to turn into something different now, friends for lack of a better word but maybe there is no word we will occupy a space in between. what the fuck is wrong with that. all this all or nothing bullshit really fucking bugs me that is not how i see things at all with anything especially us. we are not black and white, we have never been we are better and smarter and different. being one or the other means having a lot of rules placed on us that neither of us can handle. if this thing we have is so rare than why is it trying to behave in such a common way when it needs to depend on its special nature. dont kill it. it needs to change its shape, i need to change my shape. i mean i have had dreams and realizations come to me now that you are not such a part of my life, things that i would be afraid to tell you because i feel like in your eyes they would be looked at like a weakness. so this just proves to me that this change is necessary for me to figure some pretty important things out about myself. ---- did you ever think that maybe if i were more myself that you might not even like me. i have. look i dont want this to come across like i am putting blame on you. it is more my fault. aw shit, look i am going to stop now and i am going to send this even though half of me thinks it is a bad idea but fuck it. about the venom i know what you mean i have asked other people in recent days what super power they would choose for themselves if they could and no one can come up with anything better than stupid flying... not even invisibility. ok over and out
[submitted
02/16/04]
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