Okay sweetheart, I have fallen for you.

I don't know how or when feelings of friendship, respect and admiration turned into lust, desire for your love and all of the ensuing impossibility. But it has happened, very quickly. With hardly any effort, you have infiltrated my already overloaded mind and flipped over my already inside-out world.

How have I fallen for you? I have fallen for a goodness which you radiate, a wisdom which encircles you, and a deep sexuality which you both exude and control. I have fallen for your simple presence in a room - a presence that actually affects people. I have watched you subdue and make happy, subdue and make happy, over and over again. It's a simple thing but simply miraculous to me.

My sweet darling. From what I have learned, you are very lucky. I imagine you have already found your true life, your true love and a real path to happiness. While here I am stuck like glue to my frustrated desire. But your life versus my life is too easy a game to play. And I do not blame you for my desire. I set myself up to suffer. This is what I seem to do best.

I know you are impossible, and I am not stupid enough to try to change that. So what I am doing right now is coming to terms with your impossibility. Your impossibility, while making you even more desirable, confuses and angers me. In my mind, there is no real reason why I can’t claim you as my true love. Because of the strength of my emotions right now, I assume it is my right to express these emotions.

But I won't.

Because I know my reasoning is skewed by my emotions, and my emotions are over-inflated by my desire. Right now I just need to put myself in my place and let you live your life. So I am forcing myself through some intense mental gymnastics in order to reconcile myself to the reality of your life and what is best for you. I am exhausted. All I can hope for from this seemingly endless mind fuck is that my life will somehow change for the better.

But could it?

I have to believe it can. I have to believe that at some point, hopefully soon, my mind will move over to a place without attachment. At that point I will know how to love you truly without fucking you or being your partner in this lifetime. I will know how to have and to hold you, but at a distance and without desire. You will remain a spiritual beacon, an emotional refuge and a sexual force in my life, despite and because of everything.

And I hope I can be a friend to you.

[submitted 10/18/03]