everyday i keep thinking about you. right now i am alone and somewhat lonely.
i have noone
therefore i think of you inorder to have someone
to have affectionate thoughts about in my mind.
i will always have visions of you in my head
until someone else comes into my life to help me
recreate my life around them.
if that kind of person will actually come to me...

i don't believe in soulmates
yet it feels as if you are mine
since my heart aches for some kind of
connection with you.
perhaps it is not really a "connection"
but a calling out, wishing to be loved
by someone i admire.
i realize then that my connection is one-sided.
that is what makes it all too frustrating.

i need someone to talk to.
i don't need to actually talk to you.
atleast not right now...
i need someone to talk about you with.
i wish i could share the joy with someone
who understands the concepts of soulmates
without knowing that soulmate very well.
i know noone. i am too embarassed to divulge my passion for you.
it saddens me that i must treat you like a dirty little secret in my head.
and the this dirty secret feeling is keeping me from being bold
in my efforts of trying to contacting you.
do you know how many times people have laughed and scoffed
at my confession of whom that i love?
do know how many times noone has taken me seriously because the
person that i loved has never come up to their ideal standards?
it is not like i have loved many or loved horrible
and no good and unproductive people.
i have been constantly told that my choices in men are silly.
i have hardly meet a person who i can feel comfortable
with talking about relationships without them laughing at me.
yes, i know i am an offbeat person. odd. slightly weird.
so, yes, my choices in men will reflect that.
i have never experienced love free of
emotional guilt of who i am with my personality quirks.

so...
i wonder if you would be like the others and think of me
as that stupid silly woman who loves you
if i would confess it to you.
i have a feeling, perhaps out of fear, that you would
you would consider it all a joke.

you don't know this but several times i have cried over you
when i can get absolutely alone.
if you could only hear my tears through the wind.
if you could only hear me talk to you
when i am not talking.
then i wouldn't be so miserable as i am now.

oh, how i wish that there was someone to confide in
to give me advice about this situation
to give me all of their fine wisdom
to help me to the right thing
to help me get closer to you
with you having enough interest
in wanting to know me geniunely too.

until then, i shall not make the first move.

[submitted 11/05/02]